Today was one of the best days of my life

Here's what happened.
I work as a therapist in a residential treatment facility for adjudicated youths. One of my clients is an 18 year old boy I'll call Steve. Working with Steve has been incredibly difficult. He has a chronic illness that is going to significantly reduce his lifespan. He has an adoptive mother that abused and then abandoned him. Steve has never felt loved or wanted. He has had no hope about his life and therefore has taken out his misery on everyone around him. On Tuesday, I told him this was his last chance to change his hurtful ways or he would have to leave the facility (a tough decision, but in line with looking out for the community as a whole).

Today, I was part of a conversation with Steve in which he learned that his birth mother was found and that she very much wanted to be in touch with him. The smile and laughter that ran across his face as he was told the news was one of the most joyous and beautiful things I have ever seen.

He found out that he had been taken from his mother when she was jailed for drug offenses. He learned that she hadn't given him up and had looked for him several years ago, but was told that he had died. Birth mom has already written him a letter. He has softened and melted in just a few hours, saying, "I want my birth mom in my life." Steve feels like he has something to live for, something to do well because of. He feels, for probably the first time in his life, that there might be someone for him to love and be loved by. We'll see how this unfolds. It will be a slow, protected process to reunite him with his birth mother.

I've helped a lot of people in a lot of ways over my lifetime, but this was like witnessing a miracle. It was like witnessing someone being reborn. No matter what else I do in my career, I feel that all the heartache, stress, and struggle was worth being able to witness that moment.

Babymania!

I've got babies on the brain. It seems like every friend and her mother are having babies or raising babies or putting cute pictures of babies on Facebook. I never wanted to be a mom. It did not occur to me as a child, teen, or young adult that I could be a mother. And while lesbians certainly have children, it is less common in my community and therefore the reminders to me to even consider the idea are mostly absent. This probably sounds weird but I'm thirty-six and had never really held a baby before. I didn't babysit as a child or have nieces and nephews to bond with. And then along came this baby. I asked to hold her, just to see what would happen, and when she was safely perched on my lap, I felt a warm, fuzzy aching inside. I felt a special kind of happiness that I have never felt before. And the feeling continued as I watched her crawl and play with her bright, plastic toys. And in my head I thought, "Oh, Shit!" "My entire sense of my life plan is being called into question by this strange feeling! Maybe I do want to be a mom! And there's no time to waste." And then, a couple hours later, I forgot about the whole thing. I am looking forward to being an aunt to my best friend's baby-in-the-making. And, I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to raise a child. I don't want to center my life around a child. Basically, I've struggled within my own life for so many decades, that I just want to be happy. I want to be responsible for myself and to my life partner (if she ever shows up). I want freedom and flexibility. I want to channel my energies into being an adolescent and family therapist, an artist, an activist, a great friend, and a great partner. So, why am I being driven crazy by babies right now? I'm going to blame it on Facebook. Without Facebook, I wouldn't see the photos and hear the awesome mommy stories. But, just like I want to hear a story of your trek through Nepal, I don't want to actually do it, I really don't want to have a baby of my own. But, keep posting those photos on Facebook! I'll be looking for them.